Deep Thoughts

Slash's new band is scientifically designed to appeal
to the broadest spectrum of today's music lovers

Another Gray Day Results In Caustic Musings

Nothing, as the ever-useful Tony Patti has pointed out, is more mindless than the Grammys. As usual, I have heard only a miniscule portion of the nominated music, but that won't prevent me from flinging a few sarcastic words at the topic. I remind you all that my dog just died, and that I have no taste even on a good day.

I am already on record as being flummoxed by Elvis Costello's enormous popularity. "Delivery Man"--you can't dance to it! He's a shoo-in for Most Intellectual Pop Deity, though. He learned how to read music in order to compose his "classical" album!

Tom Waits. A guy I endorse on a conceptual level, but can't bear to listen to. Hands down he should get the Grammy for Best Use of Damaged Vocal Cords.

Brian Wilson is supposedly some kind of genius. The bulk of his oeuvre, SMiLE included, sounds like a barbershop quartet accompanied by an upright piano made of glass. Dead he's not, but brain-dead he is, so maybe he's got a chance against Ray Charles in the Deceased Genius Pop Star category.

Velvet Revolver! What a stupid band. They sound like if you put every guitar band since Nirvana into a Bass-O-Matic and squirted the resulting rock-flavored slurry through DigiDesign's expensive new plug-in, the Common Denomin-Ator (using algorithms that digitally extract idiosyncrasy, this plug-in lets you dial in the highest possible level of mass appeal). Oh, and don't forget to put a naked, gun-toting chick on the cover! Dumbasses.