Open Face Toasted Cheese Sandwich, a.k.a. The English Muffin Pizza

In Men In Black 2, David Cross's mother makes "mini-pizzas" with bagels. Nuh-uh. Shreds the roof of the mouth. Among pseudo-pizzas, my mother's version, with green olives and Jarlsberg on an amenable Bay's English muffin, stands alone.

Curry Coconut Shrimp Cakes, Papaya-Lime Sauce, Lemon Broccoli

I ate these spunky croquettes while watching Star Trek: Insurrection, a feature film made so many years after the end of the series that all the formerly dashing cast members had gotten sort of fat and old, like me. Unlike me, however, Picard hooks up with a hot babe. Sadly, in the end he must leave her on the planet, for alas, his place is with Starfleet. Whoa! Didn't see that coming!

Leftover Cold Sesame Noodle

I ate this while trying to read The Land and Livestock Post, from which enterprise I allowed myself to be briefly distracted by an ad for the dumb local news. "The Olympics are just five days away!" warned the Helmet Hair, adding ominously, "but are the athletes ready?"

As a matter of fact, they're not. The entire US Olympic team, though they have spent their entire lives pumping steroids directly into their livers in preparation for this moment, is passed out under a pile of empty retsina bottles in an Athens brothel, eating Krispy Kremes, smoking cigarettes and shooting heroin.

Man, that local news is dumb.

Giant Lady, Taco XPress, South Austin

Man, that local news is dumb. Today they're all in a twist about some "suspicious videotape" of "Austin landmarks" found in the possession of--that's right--a Pakistani man between the ages of 15 and 35!

It all makes sense. After the World Trade Center, what decent targets are left? That's right. Taco Xpress on South Lamar. The mandate must've come straight from Osama: destroy the Taco Xpress! The giant infidel boobies must go!

But wait! Homeland Security is on the case! They've covered up the giant infidel boobies with a funky sign so Al Qaida won't notice them. Austin's own Lady Liberty, saved!

Taco "Verde," Taco XPress, South Austin

All this talk of giant infidel boobies created a sort of yearning, which I sought to address in my usual manner: with a taco. This one was full of squash, eggplant and, yes, green beans, on a fluffy, recently-made tortilla. A ratatouille sandwich. I ate it in the car on the way to the mall with my sister, who urgently needed to buy eyeliner at the M.A.C. counter.

The sneering goth chick selling makeup at the M.A.C. counter was hatin' life, and you didn't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out why. Although a mere 10 minutes by Lexus is all that separates freaky-deaky Taco XPress from the mall, it is a fact that this mall, like all malls, is encased within a space-time anomaly-vortex, inside the perimeter of which the same day plays over and over, and individual consciousness is supplanted by a pulsating appetite for cheap crap. If I were a fat goth chick living that life, my weltanshauung would probably need a tune-up, too. Or a taco verde.

Ham and Swiss on Pumpernickel

I switched on CNN while getting outside of this sandwich, and there was yet another blonde chick named Amber posing in full Maybelline with a sullen expression on her face. Amber is getting her 15 minutes because she used to boink murderer Scott Peterson, husband of the famously drowned Laci Peterson and father of the equally dead "Baby Conner," the most famous fetus in America. Young Amber, with purple eyeshadow complete, is living the American Dream: in the blink of an eye, she's catapulted from unknown concubine/massage therapist to star witness for the prosecution in a wildly popular murder trial. Way to go, Amber!

Husbandly Amber-lust is the leading cause of death among pregnant women.

Update 11-12-04: Scott Peterson found guilty. Next?

Update 1-11-05 Amber on book tour! That's right! She's written a book about how hard it is to have screwed a murderer!