Caffe Americano

Galapagos Estate Coffee from the C-1000

Like having the jits 24-7? I know I do! And the Capresso C-1000 Super Automatic delivers, one life-giving, pressure-brewed cup at a time! I keep it eight steps from my desk. I would like it closer, but the faucet won't reach that far. The Capresso website has a coffee-porn movie called "Capresso Cool" that I like to watch whenever I'm feeling low. What a peppy little jazz soundtrack!

The Kiev Experiment, Part 1

The year was 1972. The restaurant was Mario's, owned by the family of actress Brenda Vaccaro, who played the concupiscent housewife in "Midnight Cowboy." I was but a child of twelve, but as soon as I pronged that first forkful of Mario's deep-fried, butter-gushing poem of a Chicken Kiev, a flock of cherubim descended from on high waving a banner made of rose petals that read " Now, Voyager, Sail Thou Forth to Seek and Find." I felt as if I were dining with Truth, and that all my past beef tacos and Frito pies had been but a preparation for this hour. I suddenly knew what I would be when I grew up. That's right. An effete snob.

Some little while back, while scrounging through the frozen food aisle in search of buffalo burgers, I came across this box of frozen chickens Kiev and heaved it absentmindedly into the basket. Little did I know the day would soon be upon me when the idea of frozen chicken Kiev would actually sound good.

Freak On With A Beak On >>

The Kiev Experiment, Part 2

It was a Category III Crisis of Vittles. I'd forgotten to thaw out the buffalo burgers, and I didn't feel like going to the Central Market. Still, another ramen noodle supper in front of Antiques Road Show would have pegged me as somebody's spinster aunt, even though that's exactly what I am. That's when I remembered the frozen chicken Kiev.

I'd neglected to actually read the label before slicing into it. After it had ejaculated its butter load all over the cutting board, I noticed, as one so often does in these situations, that its interior composition was ... funky. Closer scrutiny revealed that the thing was made of a sort of poultry paste which had been moulded into the classic Kiev lozenge shape. This was a nasty jar.

Against all odds, the thing was almost edible, in a C-list-wedding-reception/food-court-at-the-mall kind of way. The main trouble with this, or any, chicken Kiev, is the human bodily function upon which its gimmick is based. Even if you don't say it, even if you're Couthy McCoutherson, even if your dinner companions are Pat Boone and the Pope, everyone's thinking it.

Breakfast Amongst the Dying Geraniums

Texas Ruby Red Grapefruit

Mosquitos attacked me and I had to run for cover. I was severely bitten, and will probably carry the emotional scars for some considerable time to come, but I do not expect to contract West Nile disease, on accounta it's all a huge lie to get people to hate mosquitos.